Well, folks, it's about that time. It has been said that for all things, there is a season. And how...
Shit's about to get real. [Care to elaborate?-Ed.]
But before that; let's go on tour. Shall we? Here at Jace Everett Enterprises [not a real company-Ed.], we're always looking to bring you a new and exciting experience. And this time, not just in your personal hygiene regimen. No, sir! [or ma'am, as the case may or may not be. No sexism, misogyny, Patriarchal values, or anything else potentially offensive, is implied, inferred, or meant.-Ed.) Honest Native American, we're gonna do it up right. [There's a lot to unpack here. None good.-Ed.]
Why, we've got more dates than Pam Anderson in '96. [Check with legal on this. Please.-Ed.] Not only that, we've got a brand new widget. One that can only be found in that dank corridor just left of stage, right after a show; where the smell of beer, fear, salty sweat, and middle-aged regrets, coalesce into a heady perfume that our new friends in The Fatherland would undoubtedly designate as schadenfreude. [As these are your first dates in Germany, perhaps it's best to not use up the only German word you know, before you arrive?-Ed.]
I'm not talking about wife-swappin' (don't forget his fingerprints, Ed)! I'm talking a new recording, compact record thingy majig! That's right!! You still have a CD player don't you? [No Earth person has a CD player. Will this be available for free somewhere?-Ed.]
My man, Kevin Walters, crushed this art work. Campy, creepy, cartoon fun! I won't say who's on the cover, but the first person to name all 5 of our "guest" cartoons, get's a free "atta boy" and possibly a used loofah. [The Kevin Walters? Emily's errand boy? Wow. Nice get.-Ed.]
How do you get this record? Well, by God, you gotta come to a show! Do you live in America, instead of Europe? Well, tough titty! At least until the summer is over. Then we'll have other cool and riveting news. ["tough titty"? Really?-Ed.]
Cheers...
Jace Everett
President of Jace Everett Enterprises [Again, not a real company.-Ed.]